


A Beastly Manor

by littlelobster



Category: Beast Fraands
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-31
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelobster/pseuds/littlelobster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Greetings, new Best Fraandz member! You have officially been inducted into a cult of unicorns and rainbows. Once you get in, you can never get out. And on that cheerful note, my name is Shiela, and I'm here to give you a written tour through the Beastly Manor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Greetings, new Best Fraandz member! You have officially been inducted into a cult of unicorns and rainbows. Once you get in, you can never get out. And on that cheerful note, my name is Shiela, and I'm here to give you a written tour through the Beastly Manor.

There's such a thing as the Beastly Manor? _Of course there's such a thing as the Beastly Manor._ Where do you think we all live – that we live on different parts of the world? No, of course not. Don't be silly.

On with the tour.

You can access the Beastly Manor wherever you are. Whether you're in New Zealand or America or the Philippines or Africa or Australia or wherever, the Beastly Manor is just an arm's breadth away.

Okay, I'm going to give you a few steps to follow. First, stand up. Second, close your eyes. No peeking, or else it won't work. Third, spin around three times. _Three,_ okay? I'm assuming you can count that high. And lastly, at the end of the third spin, shout "GREGGLES!" as loud as you can (We change the password once in a while, but right now it's Greggles.)

After shouting, you need to wait three seconds before you open your eyes. Believe me, it's necessary. One time I opened my eyes too quickly and I ended up in the middle of a godforsaken jungle. Not a very pleasant situation.

Once we open our eyes, we stand in front of a tall, golden gate with thick, bushy hedges extending from both directions. On the gate, intricately carved, are the letters "B" and "F." The gate is voice-activated. All you have to do is say your Facebook name out loud.

"Shiela Tamparong," I say, and the gate majestically swings open. I walk inside, and the gate shuts after me. You can't sneak past the gate; it's powered by magic. There is a barrier preventing non-Best Fraands to enter, so no visitors (or for more accuracy, no sex buddies allowed, unless you count the other Best Fraands).

Once you say your Facebook name, you may come in, and you are officially inside the Beastly Manor.

Before we get to the actual house, we have to walk through the Manor's sprawling yards.

The first thing we will see is a tall ceramic fountain that shoots water a good several feet up in the air. The fountain is topped by seven life-size ceramic statues, in honor of the seven Beastly Originals, which I'm sure you've met (yours truly included). The statues stand in a circle atop the fountain, backs to each other. They are carved naked and they sport compromising poses, so it's a teensy bit awkward (although we like dressing them up in fancy clothing once in a while).

To our left is a monstrous swimming pool, complete with multiple diving boards in varying heights. There are sprinklers everywhere, and the pool is littered with multicolored life preservers and other floaters. The diving boards (and the ladders, for that matter) get rarely used, because someone (usually Zoe or Len – but mostly Len) just pushes random people into the pool.

To our right is a child's paradise. Slides and swings and seesaws and monkey bars and merry-go-rounds and other playground necessities in different shades of rainbow are smack dab in the middle of the green grass. To top it all off, there's a giant (and I mean giant) bouncy house. And the best part is… there are no age restrictions! This is one of the most favorite and most frequently visited places in the Manor, especially during the summer.

Now if we walk forward, around the fountain, we'll end up in front of the gigantic creaky double doors that serve as entrance to wonderland. We specially requested for them to be creaky, because it sounds all mysterious. The doors are made of thick, sturdy oak, with door knockers made of solid gold.

In fact, the whole exterior of the Manor looks rustic, like a castle from olden times. The walls are made out of bricks, with clumps of ivy crawling through. Framing the door are cascading, crawling red roses, like something out of a cheesy romantic movie. Windows from the second floor bedrooms all have flower boxes laden with flowers of different sizes and colors. Instead of towers, there's a big dome positioned on the roof of the third floor.

Why is everything so old and ancient, you ask? Ha! Wait till you get inside.

We don't really use those door knockers, since everyone inside is too lazy to open the doors. No, those are just for show. To get inside, you have to place your hand on this particular brick – 21 bricks from the bottom, 4 bricks from the left side of the doors – and it gives way. Filling the space it left behind is a modern retina scanner, poised and ready to scan. All you have to do is look right into the sensor, and if you're a Best Fraand, the scanner will say your name out loud, and the doors will open automatically.

Now that we're inside, I'm going to hand you this tablet. It's not Apple, it's not Samsung . . . it's not any other mainstream brand. It has its own brand – BF (Yes, our group has its own brand of gadgets). It's like a regular tablet – you can play games, create documents, surf the internet (the whole Manor has wifi), whatever. However, it does have some specialized apps that can be very helpful.

One of these apps is called **Beastly Manor** which is straightforward enough, if I do say so myself. This app is basically like a modern version of the Marauder's Map from Harry Potter. It shows you every nook and corner of the Manor, which can be zoomed in and out, to your preference.

Another unique feature of this app is you can see the locations of every Best Fraand, marked by their specific insignias. (Really it's just our initials in fancy lettering, but we call it insignia because it's cooler that way. You have one, too, and now that you've officially entered the Manor for the first time, it is now tattooed on your left thumb.) See that on the screen, the "ST" by the entrance? That's my insignia, the same one that's tattooed on my left thumb, and it's right next to yours in the screen.

Using this method, you don't have to run around the entire Manor just to find a particular Best Fraand. You can just look for his or her insignia on your tablet. So if, for instance, you see two insignias super close together in a bedroom or in the shower, it's probably good advice to give them some privacy first.

The insignias on the black strip at the left side of the screen represent the Best Fraands who are not accessing the Beastly Manor as of the moment. Most of them are inactive members – cause let's face it, who wouldn't want to access the Beastly Manor?

There's another useful app in this tablet, and that's the **Wardrobe** app. This is sort of complicated, so please listen. Once you click this app, it will give you five categories: sleepwear, swimwear, party wear, formal wear, and daywear. You don't get to choose your own outfit. That's boring. It's like a random outfit generator, except we all have this feeling that it has a system somehow. For example, if you're not very confident of your body, it won't give you anything drastic. But if you're someone like Bern or Len, it can dress you in only a leotard for all it cares.

If you click on the _sleepwear_ category, it can range from cutesy pajamas with teddy bear prints to hardcore sexy lingerie.

The _swimwear_ category can come up with the most conservative of wetsuits to the skimpiest of bikinis and swimming trunks.

The _party wear_ category can come up with sparkly dresses, fringe pants, sequined tops, and others.

The _formal wear_ category is basically full of fancy ball gowns and tuxedos.

And last but not the least, the _daywear_ category is the one with the widest range – there are dresses, shorts, jeans, costumes, and whatever really. Of course, there's always the option to go naked whenever.

The app pretty much guesses what kind of outfit you want, but there are also times when people like Angel get a floral dress to wear all day.

There's also another quirk to this app. If, for example, you didn't like the outfit it provided, you have the option to click again and try for a new outfit. _BUT_ you only have three available outfits a day per category, so be very careful. If you exhausted all three daywear outfits for the day, and you accidentally got pushed in the pool and got wet – you can click at the _daywear_ category all you want, but it won't give you anything. You'll have to resort to an outfit from another category. Imagine being picky about a swimsuit and ending up with a wedding dress instead!

This app is really very easy to use. To demonstrate, how about I change my outfit? I pull out my tablet, access the Wardrobe app, and click on the Daywear category. My blouse and jeans turn into… a little black dress. Wow. See, it does mess with you sometimes. Good thing this is only my second daywear option. I can always change this later.

There are other uses to this tablet, like being able to chat with any of the members, so you better take really good care of it. This one is yours. See the insignia at the middle? It's the same one on your thumb. You can decorate it any way you want, and you can change its color to your favorite color, as long as you think hard enough.

The only way to access the tablet and its contents is to press your tattooed thumb on the screen, so only you are able to use it. If you can't find it, just snap your fingers once and say "TABLET," and it will appear right in your hands. I can't stress how much importance this tablet has. It's indestructible, so it can't be that hard to take care of.

Now enough of that tablet. I have more stuff to orient you with.

Here we are at the grand hall! Okay, that name seems a little too grand, but it sounds fancy, so that's okay.

The first thing you will notice is the linoleum floor. The tiles are like a giant gifset. It flashes photos from the different fandoms of the people in this Manor. Oh look, there goes The 39 Clues! Fabulous.

On the ceiling are giant fabrics of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet, extending in all directions, meeting at a vertex in the middle of the ceiling – where a chandelier would normally be. Adorning the walls are framed CBF (Certified Best Fraand) photos of all the members, arranged in random order.

The grand hall is the center point of everything that happens in this Manor. To the right is the door to the East Wing, and to the left is the door to the West Wing. You'd notice that there is a collection of sunglasses around the door to the West Wing, but we'll get back to that later.

There's also a huge flat screen on the wall we're facing, and it basically only shows updates from the Best Fraand Facebook group. All the new posts and likes and comments.

You might think that the grand hall is just one big, spacious room with a huge gifset as some sort of flooring, but there's so much more to it.

If you press this button on the wall next to the grand doors – prepare your ears, darling – the grand hall will turn into a full-blown club. Loud party music blasts from the speakers that materialized on the walls in lieu of the CBF photos. The giant fabrics are gone, and in its place is a giant disco ball which reflects the strobe lights dancing crazily around the room. There is a bar counter to our right, complete with a hot holographic bartender who can serve us any drink we wanted – be it coke, vodka, or orange juice. The linoleum turns into a giant light-up dance floor, with glitter and confetti. Every room in this Manor is soundproof, so we don't need to worry about cranking up the volume to max.

If we press the second switch, the grand hall turns into one big ballroom. The disco ball is replaced with an enormous chandelier, enveloping the room in a warm glow. Circular tables draped in silk adorn the edges of the room. A buffet table is present at the lower right side. The linoleum flashes an image of a night sky dotted with stars. As you might have inferred, this is the reason why we even have the Formal Wear category in that Wardrobe app. This is where and how fancy birthdays, proms, and other special occasions are celebrated.

Now, pressing the third switch, everything goes back to normal. Magical, isn't it? Wait till you see the rest of the house.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We walk to the East Wing.

We walk to the East Wing.

Opening the door, we enter the dining room. The first thing we see is the dining table: a _huge_ surface of u-shaped mahogany that can seat up to 34 people. To be honest, we don't really spend much time here. They'd rather grab some food and go eat somewhere else. It's a shame, really, especially since I was the one who designed the table goddamnit. Ahem.

There are people, however, who like using the dining room for purposes other than eating. It's pretty quiet here so it's a good place to do some reading. Take Kiki over there for example. Kiki, FEET OFF THE TABLE PLEASE THANK YOU. Kiki grumbles and puts down her feet, only to place them back on the table the minute I look away. Sigh.

There are also some who, for some ungodly reason, decide to sleep here. How do you even just randomly fall asleep in the dining room? That must be really uncomfortable. Damn it, Andgemille, do I really have to do everything?

We walk up to the girl fast asleep on the corner of the table and I start vigorously shaking her. Unsure what to do, you imitate me, albeit more gently. And after all that, she still won't wake up. Wait I got this. I whip out my tablet, press some buttons, and shove the thing under her ear. Right as the first (ridiculously loud) note of Circle of Life plays, Andgemille wakes up with a start and assumes a defensive stance. She takes one look at my too-innocent smile and her confused stare is replaced with a glare so sharp it can probably pierce through metal. If only I wasn't used to that already.

"Go sleep somewhere else, it's probably uncomfortable here," I say to her. "And lose the face. You know it doesn't work on me, and you're scaring the newcomer."

She nods, acknowledging you. And with a final glare at me – one I replied with a sarcastic smile she's probably used to – she summons her tablet and teleports away. Probably to her room.

Sorry about that. Shall we move on?

In the back we see the kitchen. As you can see, there are piles of cookbooks lying around because we actually don't know what the hell we're doing. There are only about a handful of people I trust with cooking in this kitchen. Most of the people here should never deal with anything that is even remotely flammable or else… I'm shuddering just thinking about it.

The cupboards are stocked, the cabinets are stocked, the fridge is miraculously always full. We have no idea how that happens but we just roll with it.

At least 95% of the people here are lazy asses so it's not unusual to see someone materializing here, grabbing some cereal, and then leaving like some kind of ghost.

And… speak of the devil.

Anil materializes beside me, almost knocking you over. He begins rummaging for some chips when I tap him on the shoulder.

"Oi Anil," I say. "At least say hi to the newcomer?"

Anil blinks, apparently just noticing you were there. "Sorry about that," he says, flashing you a smile. "I'm Anil. Nice to meet you." He offers you his hand.

A… handshake? Well that's a tad formal, isn't it? But either way, you extend your hand and meet his in a handshake.

Anil is about to teleport away when I ask him another question. "Where's everyone?"

He pops one of the chips into his mouth before answering. "I don't know, I haven't checked. I think they're in the theater?" he says.

I thank him and he goes away, with a final wave to you.

_'Don't fall in love with that one,'_ I not-so-subtly whisper in your ear. _'Kiki will get mad at you.'_

"I HEARD THAT!" Kiki shouts from where she's sitting.

I laugh, and lead you to the next room.

The room next door is what we call the computer room. It's divided into two parts: the fun side and the boring side.

The "fun" side is to the right. A massive ball pit is laid out on the floor with various colorful cushions strewn about. The concept is you can just dive right in and start getting busy with your gadget. It's pretty simple in theory, however, you have to watch where you dive because you never know if there's someone under there. Like this particular person, for example. I brush away some of the balls on the surface to reveal a very confused Nick.

Honestly it's like these people have no sense of danger.

So as I was saying, this is obviously one of the most popular rooms in this manor. Somehow, computers and deep ball pits prove to be an unconventional but great combination. There are some that… wait. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Nick has sat up and halted you. Your hand in his, he appears to be talking animatedly and… is that a wink? Oh _god_ no. Not again.

I march up to you and, with a pointed stare at Nick, I lead you away. What's his deal with flirting with newcomers anyway?

But let's go back to the topic. Since you weren't listening, I'm just going to go ahead and show you the other side.

So here we are at the "boring" side. We call it that because, well, just take a look. Rows of bland desks and computer chairs occupy the other side of the room. This is where you go to if you have to do boring stuff, like homework or research or other things. Though it's beyond me why you have to do those things when you're in the manor, I guess it can be useful from time to time. I'd introduce you to Carl, Mariam, Peter, and Hannah over there, but I think they're a little busy. Maybe next time.

Maybe you're wondering why their laptops are so uniform, aren't you? Beside the door we came in from, we see a protruding panel and another insignia-activated sensor pad to its right. I press my left thumb on the pad, and my personalized laptop materializes on the panel. Taking it, we see that it looks almost the same as my tablet, with my insignia right at the middle. To put it back, I just place the laptop back on the panel and watch it disappear. Okay, your turn.

Now that you have your laptop, let me walk you through some of its unique features.

You'll notice that there are two additional buttons, as compared to normal laptops. This one allows you to share music with everyone in the room via the speakers built in the walls. Only one person at a time can do this, so there's nothing to do except take turns. This room is usually very lively, especially when Estefany is deejay-ing, but I guess the members are doing something somewhere else. Maybe in the theater, like Anil said.

If you're doing serious stuff - like Carl and the others over there - or you want to play your own music, we have a selection of headphones on that wall over there. They block out all sound and they can be really useful, especially when everyone's so noisy. Which they are, literally all the time.

This other button allows you to project your laptop screen on any of the walls in the room, which are all painted white for this exact purpose. The features of this button can range from livestreaming, to showing that Tumblr post, and even to opening a porn video and scaring the crap out of everyone in the room. That happened once, and let me tell you… it's something we'd rather forget.

I think that about covers everything you need to know about the computer room.

I walk you to the doors that lead to the last room in the East Wing. Beyond these two doors is the theater. This electronic screen beside the door shows us if the theater is occupied or not, and what movie or show they're watching if it is.

Let's see… By the looks of it, the theater is occupied. And they're currently watching… Doctor Who. Hmm. I guess Zoe is holding the remote today. Wait, no. The screen is changing. It says… America's Next Top Model. Okay, I'm confused. Is it Len or Zoe holding the remote? It fluctuates from Doctor Who and ANTM every few seconds, and I'm about to dismiss it as a glitch when… IS THAT _BOKU NO PICO?_ Who the _fuck_ is watching Boku no Pico in the manor theater?!

I swing open the double doors just as Zoe plucks the remote from Brad's grasp and flicks the underage hentai projected on the screen back to a slightly more manageable Doctor Who. It appears they haven't noticed our arrival yet, as evidenced by a frustrated Zoe and a determined Len continuing to wrestle for the remote. Either that, or they just don't care.

Allow me to enlighten you. In the theater, we only have one remote. The remote is, like most of the things in this manor, insignia-activated. I'd give you a hands-on demonstration but there's no way in hell I'm going to participate in that wrestling match. You'll just have to settle for a verbal explanation.

Okay, so once you're in possession of the remote, you just press your thumb on the touch pad at the bottom. By doing that, the remote will respond to your voice _only._ Without removing your thumb, you locate the mic and you say the title of the show or movie that you want to watch. If you wish to change the show, you just have to repeat that process.

It's probably unnecessary to mention this, but the person in possession of the remote gets to decide what show everyone in the theater is going to watch. Hence the fight to the death happening in the center aisle as we speak.

I bite my lip, watching disdainfully as Zoe tries to bite Len's arm off and Len tries to stomp on Zoe's feet with his red stilettos.

Ugh. This will go nowhere, won't it? Just stay here, let me handle this. I don't want you getting any injuries.

I march to the furious duo. I stop right in front of them, and I take a deep breath.

_"CAN YOU FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TRY TO ACT LIKE NORMAL FUCKING PEOPLE FOR ONCE LIKE I DON'T GIVE A FLIPPING FUCK IF YOU WANT TO FUCKING DECAPITATE THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER BUT DON'T FUCKING DO IT WHILE I'M TRYING TO GIVE THE BEASTLY MANOR TOUR GODFUCKINGDAMNIT NOW GIVE ME THAT FUCKING REMOTE OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASSES JESUS FUCKING CHRIST."_

Well that shut them up. Good.

I daintily retrieve the remote from their stunned hands, give them the sweetest smile I can manage, and walk away. I love you guys, but I have to do what I have to do.

I walk over to the back of the theater, right up to the snuggling figures of Joyce and Harry. Joyce looks up at me with a mixture of confusion and awe on her face. I hand her the remote, telling her to pick what she wants to watch. Surely even Zoe and Len wouldn't dare to upset the lovely Joyce.

I saunter past the fuming duo and make my way back to you. Don't worry about that, they'll be fine. Better leave them to their own devices.

It's time to visit the West Wing now, don't you think? Walking back to the grand hall can be pretty tiring though. Hm. Oooh, maybe it's time for your first teleport! Alright, let's get our tablets ready.

We summon our tablets at the same time, then we access the Beastly Manor app. The trick here is to tap the room where you want to go three times. That's _three times,_ got it? And remember to plant your feet firmly to the ground because the trip can be a little woozy.

Okay, on the count of three.

One…

Two…

I flash a final apologetic grin to Zoe and Len's direction.

_Three._


End file.
